August 4th, 2010

It was already night time before we knew it. Since Luz left to Malacca a week ago, we practically have to suffer from the lack of good food. I know food has always been one of the priorities in your life, so you had suffered quite a lot without Luz's awesome stuffs. However, that night, mum whipped up a whole lot of food for us. I am sorry that I didn't see your car when I finished my flute lesson, and ended up leaving the place with San Yi. But you hardheadedly told me to come back home and have dinner with you, because you can't finish all of them on your own. I got angry at your attitude and hung up on your phone. But in the end, I couldn't take it, and decided to call San Yi to let her know the change of plans. I returned home, and I'm glad I did.

We had dinner together. You, as usual, took more than what you're able to finish, and ended up wasting some of them. As we ate, we were also watching Tarzan on Disney Channel. We were singing along the show at some parts sarcastically, and you were telling me about how this show was also aired in the bus during your school trip during your high school years. You said that no one was watching, and the show was even aired twice.

Just when the good part of the show started showing, mum returned home. She wanted her Astro card back, but that way, we couldn't finish the show. The both of us begged her to sit down and watch with us. She did, but only for a few minutes. Because in the end, we decided that since she just returned from a long day of work, she deserved to have her time doing things she wanted to do. Before I left upstairs to my room, mum nagged about your remaining food and said that you always never finished your food. But even so, you grinned and only laughed along. Even though she was intending to scold you, you ended up making it all looked like a joke, and even managed to put smiles on her face and mine in the end.

August 5th, 2010

From before and during Chemistry class, I received lots of text messages about the plan for the afternoon. Mum was planning to leave to Malacca that day to visit grandma. Grandma had been depressed all week about her operation, so she decided to go stay by her side for the day. The initial plan was that I was supposed to follow her to Malacca, but in the end, she ended up deciding that I was to follow your car back home.

You sent me a text message, saying "I pick u, same place like last fri". When it was 2.15pm, I sent you a message, asking if you've arrived. You replied a simple "Yes" because I know you've been lazing around in your car again. I took the elevator and got to the ground floor, and entered your car. Before you started driving, you warned me ahead that we were going to have a long ride because you needed to do a lot of things. I grumbled, but I shrugged in the end. I was more worried about mum because if she had to leave on such a late notice to Malacca, it must have meant something went wrong. You said you didn't know why, but you were able to say that because you didn't know what mum was going through at this point of her life. I was the only one who knew in the whole house, because mum didn't want you and dad to get worried over this. I stopped the conversation there, and looked out of the window.

Our next conversations were about random things in our life. Do you remember how we always talked together? I would always say those sarcastic things, and you would stare at me with small eyes as you received my note of sarcasm and laughed loudly too sometimes. You always make me feel like I am a funny person, you always make me feel like I can do something to make people happy. But truth is, you're always the one doing that.

Then, we took a lot of time turning around the shops nearby. You said you wanted to bring me to Windmill for lunch. It was an expensive place to dine, but you said you're already a working man. In the end, when we found it, you changed your mind to an Italian restaurant beside Windmill. I shrugged and said it was all your choice. You shrugged too, but led the way to the Italian restaurant.

When we were ordering, we took a long, long time to decide. You kept saying things like "There! That's the risotto you and mum like so much." and "Oh man! There's so many different kinds of pasta that it makes the menu look so scary." In the end, you decided to just order some chicken dish, but I stopped you. I told you that since we're in an Italian restaurant, we should order things like risotto, pasta, lasagna or pizza. You hesitated and decided on lasagna in the end. You even asked if we should order a pizza too but I refused. I said it was all too much.

But maybe, I shouldn't have stopped you. I knew you always loved meat so much. If I knew it was your last lunch, I would have let you order anything you want, from one dish to a thousand dish, and I would stay there and finish them up with you. I am sorry that you weren't able to have your favorite meat dish on that last day. But when the lasagna came, you said it was delicious. I knew it wouldn't be enough for you, so I told you to take some of my risotto. You kept on saying alright, that you will take some later, but I ended up finishing them by myself. Maybe I should have ate slower so that you could taste more delicious things on your last lunch.

After that lunch, we left again. We continued on with your errands, including fetching grandpa from Klang town, going to bank to help one of your workers bank in his cheque for his family in Vietnam, and many more. You told me stories along the way, sad stories about your workers in the factory. You also told me stories about some of your friends. You also told me you wanted to try playing Persona 4 and Final Fantasy X. You also said to me you wanted to get a PS3 soon. I told you it would be expensive, but you said you would get all the games from ebay.

When we were finally at home, you immediately headed over to the couch. I told you to help me go out and get the bicycles we ordered from Setia Eco Park today. You were reluctant cause you were lazy, but in the end, you stood up and did that for me, when I told you it was dangerous for me, one young girl to go out and meet with 4 other guys to take the bicycles from them. You were always so careful of me, so caring. You always told the other people that you love me, and I would always say that you're only saying that to get people to have a good impression of you. But deep down, I know you do. I know...

As we pushed the bicycles together inside to our garden, you asked if I wanted to ride now. I said that it's been a long time since I last rode on a bicycle, I might have forgotten how to. But you said that you're even worse, that you couldn't even ride a bicycle. I laughed and told you not to worry, that I will teach you how to ride one now that we have a bicycle.

With that, you went back in the house and lied down on the couch again, playing around with your iPhone. I told you to get back to work soon, but you complained that you were too tired. I sighed and told you to quickly get a rest and leave immediately, because dad needed you at work. With that one message, I left upstairs to my room. If only I had stayed downstairs with you and played Fatal Frame like how I was urging to, maybe we would still be able to have some good laughs that afternoon.

I spent my whole night in my room. Around 8, dad came back home and asked me if I had dinner. I told him I did, and that he should just go for dinner with you. I told him I had homework, but the truth was, I didn't have any. Maybe I should have just gone with you guys. Around 11, you came knocking on my door and opened it before I said you could, as usual. You asked me if I had dinner, and I told you that it was too late to ask me that, in a jokingly manner. You smiled and I smiled. Then you closed the door, without another word.

That was my final memory of you.

I am pretty sure that I was the last person you've seen before you head to your room that night. If only I had said more, then maybe you'll have sweeter memories before you leave this world. I am sorry. That night, one night before you left, I felt as if God had given me some clues as to what will happen. That night, after my dinner, I went to the garden to feed Luschka. My back was facing your room, so I thought I had imagined it. But I was pretty sure that I saw your room light on and off very quickly. The only people at home were Angie and myself. Angie was at the kitchen, busy cleaning up the dishes. I thought it was all my imagination, but maybe God had given me that hint to warn me. But I didn't realise it. If only I did not decide to take on that risk, maybe you would still be barging into my room now.

Last week, when you barged into my room again, I didn't know why but the thought of watching some funny Fatal Frame videos in youtube struck my mind. We watched a lot of them for the whole week. We laughed, and sometimes we were scared too. But at least when we watched them together, it would be funnier, and less scarier. If I was glad about one thing I did for you, Ian, it was that I decided to watch all of those videos with you in youtube. Every single one of them. But if only we get to play Fatal Frame together in my PS2, maybe everything will be better.

But I know now that all these 'maybe's cannot be helped. You've left. It was a solid fact. But don't worry. In our hearts, you will always be remembered and loved. You will always be the loving brother and son to us. I am sorry that I couldn't give you more. But at least, I would always talk to you every night so that you won't be lonely. If you missed us, you can always come back home in your butterfly form. We would always switch on all the lights because we all know you're afraid of the dark. We would always switch on all the air-conditioners because we all know how you hate sweating. You can always visit us in our dreams. A dream with you in it would be the best dream for us all.

Now that you've left first to the next world, remember what I asked you to do. Go back to grandpa's [father's father] side, and be a good grandson to him. Grandpa left us all very early. And even though I had no clear memories of him, I knew he loved us all. I could still remember that day of his funeral. You were crying the loudest. He must have loved you a lot. So now's your chance to go back to him and be a good grandson to him. Take care of him for us for now. We will come soon and our whole family will reunite again some day. Also, say hello to Da Ku Zhang for me. Mum always tells me how much he loves me and wants me to be his daughter. I was unable to love him more because I was still so young and immature. But please go back to the two of them now. You won't be lonely. You have so many people over there in that world. Also, don't forget that you have your Monash teacher over there too. You told me he passed away not long ago from Heart Attack and that you used to respect him so much. See? You have so many people to visit over there. And even if you happen to get the chance to come over to our world for a short visit, I doubt you'll have enough time to look for us all. You have so many people who loves you, so stay strong over at that side. Next time when we got there, you better be there to take care of us then, and be our tour guide when we need it.

There is no need for me to say goodbye to you. There is only one thing I can say:

See you later, my dear brother.

Trust me, I'm still here. xD;;

But lately I've been spending too much time on Photoshop that I forgot I had so many interesting things to blog about.

Like my Computer Science course. It's awesome. It's... THE BOMB.

Yes, I love it. And thus, will write more about it tomorrow.

Sleeping time is now. So...

*faints*

I find it amusing that it actually takes 2 years to have my blog reach its 100th post. Back then when I was in Form 4, I updated my blog almost every single day, only to have my few awesome friends enjoy reading them as much as I do writing them. :] But as the days passed, I found that there are lesser things to share/recall in my blog, and thus my blogging streak somehow ended. It was a sad thing, really. In all honesty, blogging has been an awesome experience in my life. I have already more than 5 blogs, and none of them were a success. There was almost no hit, not to mention that the stuffs I wrote in all those blogs were nonsense. But this time popped out one day like how the rest did, but it was different. It had readers. And it had managed to put smiles and laughter on my readers' faces. :] I even managed to make a new friend out of this blog! [Cheery~ ;D] Maybe because this blog was just too awesome that I feel reluctant to start a new blog right now. Yes, I usually start a new blog whenever I feel like going back to blogging after a long hiatus. A new blog allows me to have a new and fresh start. It always makes me feel refreshing and more enthusiastic to return for more posts. :] But no, I am not going to give this blog up.

Having said that, I'm pretty glad to announce that this blog[hopefully] is finally back to life again! I know there won't be as many readers as before anymore, and I know that most readers right now would be new faces. But lets make this blog a fun blog to read again, alright? :D

Okay, so on to real blogging. Went to SPCA today. Well, before I was deciding to choose SPCA as our group's Moral Project destination, I had good impressions of the place. However, right after when everything was set and ready to go, I started hearing awful stuffs about this place. Really kills the mood, and makes me feel as if it's my fault that everyone might have to go through that because of me.

In the end when we're there, well, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The place is pretty alright. At least it's not too packed [but it might be too squeezy for the dogs =(] and we have spaces to move about. But it's pretty sad that we weren't really given much attention. We weren't provided with guidance, or at least even a litte tour around SPCA. Instead, when we first asked someone for a work to do, we were brought to the Charity Shop to clean up. Well, alright then! So we buckled up and started arranging everything in there, especially folding the clothes donated by all sorts of people.

Halfway through tidying up the clothes, we started talking about how people are sometimes very selfish. Even if they were all donated stuffs, it was pretty obvious that people only donated them because they couldn't use it anymore. Some of them were torn, some of them were stained pretty badly, and all that. It was a pretty sad thing, especially if you consider that SPCA is a pretty rundown place. One sad fact is that, if this SPCA were to be in some other countries, it would probably be more well-equipped, and the donated stuffs would be in better conditions. It feels as if the Charity Shop is the Junkyard.

However, when we're done with tidying, we went back to the kennels and spent more than an hour standing there, doing nothing. No one cared about our presence, except of course, the dogs. Around 12.30 to 1pm, finally someone asked for us to do something. A volunteer approached us and asked if we're here for voluntary work. I said yes and guess what? We were pretty much scolded. She said we were there doing nothing, except for standing around looking everywhere blankly. Well, that was pretty offending. But anyways, she gave us a job, calling Jinq Yee and Er Whey and myself to clean some of the puppies' kennel, change the newspaper that was stained with their faeces and urination. Halfway after we did that, another woman came by and yelled at us.

Wow.

So we tried to defend ourselves by saying that it was someone else who called us to do it, and that woman said, "Oh, it's that volunteer again! She always asks other people to do that! You can't do that! Gosh!" Etc. So, we were once again left with nothing to do. But then the woman asked us to refill all of the puppies' water supply, and after we did that, she said we were to wait for the puppies to finish their food and clean their bowls.

Great. The puppies were all sleeping.

So we asked for anything else to do that, and she shook her head.

More waiting. Great.

But it was already 1.45pm and we couldn't stand waiting there for someone to yell an order at us, only to have another person come by and yell at us for carrying out that order. So we left. As bad as it may seem, we did. But at least, a couple of dogs were being adopted in front of our eyes. So it was all pretty worth it if you ask me. At least we managed to come and meet some awesomes dogs.

Blargh. My post must be boring. So sorry. -___- It's been so long since I last blogged, so yeah. Lets hope I'll still return tomorrow.

Yes, apparently, due to high demands (or should I say persistent demands? xD), I decided to return here for this night to put up a post for people who actually still comes back here. o.O Actually, I don't even come back here anymore, so I'm pretty surprised when I saw new messages in the chatbox. xD You people are too loyal, it makes me cry. :'D

Anyways, before I even knew it, I'm already at the third week of my second semester in CPU. Probably used to the life by now, but it's pretty sad to lose the few familiar faces we used to see so much during our previous semester. Miss all those good ol' seniors. :'( But now that we're on the second semester (third for some), we're seniors! And juniors came rushing into CPU now and it's up to us to make them feel like home! That was what I told myself before, but I guess people probably don't need me to be there for them huh? xD They are already standing pretty well on their own two feet. So I'll just be at the corner...rusting...I guess.

No, it's not that depressing actually. Heck, I don't even know what I was typing. If you do understand my post until this part, do let me know. Haha. I don't understand what I'm ranting at all. Long hiatuses on blogging does stuffs to your blogging section of your brain.

Alright, back to ranting about my life. So, second semester is here, which means... I'll be graduating from CPU by the end of this year. What does that mean? Simple. Applying to as many universities as possible and as soon as possible. *sigh* I knew from before that this would happen, but since CPU isn't really as widely accepted as A-Levels or SAM, we'd have quite some problem when we're applying to universities outside of Canada. But it's still awesome to know that Canada still has our backs. :3

My first choice from before was always University of Melbourne. They have quite a reputation, plus the entry requirements weren't too high. But of course, things wouldn't be all that perfect. Melbourne, as we all know, has freakingly high living expenses. Plus, even if I were to enter Uni of Melbourne, I can't guarantee that I'll be able to get into Veterinary Medicine because after first three years of basic studies, only 120 people are chosen to enter the Doctor of Veterinary Medicine course. So yeah. I wouldn't want to enter and waste my three years only to know that I can't do Veterinary, but Biotechnology or some other Science subjects.

So, I had to have another choice. Murdoch University then came into mind. Murdoch U is a university in Perth, and apparently, has the best Veterinary course in the whole Australia. Plus, Perth has practically lower living expenses than Melbourne, and the tuition fees are cheap! Seriously. I doubted them at first though, but wow, when I flipped open the booklet on entry requirements, I was shocked. In fact, I was somewhat discouraged by that. (Explains why I was emo yesterday.) They actually allow students with average of 65 to enter for all the courses, but only Veterinary courses have to have at least 97 for SAM to enter. And for CPU students? Case by case basis. God. I feel discouraged, really. Makes me really sad cause I was really hoping that Murdoch U might accept me so that I can at least live my next 5 years in some countryside. =(

Third choice? Massey University in New Zealand. New Zealand has always been the country I wanted to do my tertiary education at. Probably because of the influence by my brother, and that I just love the fact that there's no overcrowded super huge cities there. Peaceful life. :] But was once again struck with disappointment when I saw that for international students, we have to take 5 tests in New Zealand to see if we qualify to enter. I mean, we fly all the way to New Zealand, and if we fail the tests, not only do we have to waste that airplane ticket to and fro, but we even lost a golden chance to study at Massey U? No way am I betting my future over there.

Next choice came up by the last minute, and is probably the reason why I was able to wipe off my emo-ness yesterday. (Of course, along with the awesome encouragement by my awesome friends. :3) Ireland suddenly came to mind when I was talking about studying in UK with my online friend. I said to myself before that if I were to go UK for my studies, the only place I'm going would be Ireland. So, I was pretty nervous when I was checking out all the universities in Ireland for Veterinary courses. At first, I was completely in despair as I had to cancel off one university by one university. Finally, I could no longer take the pain. I went to google, and straight off, I typed 'List of Veterinary universities in Ireland'. Miraculously, one poofed out! And guess what?! University College Dublin is the exact same university my cousin is studying at right now! I'm so relieved when I saw that, and at the entry requirements page, they even stated that Canadian diploma is considered for entry. YAY!

Of course, those were my top 4 choices of universities for now. But I'm still going to apply for universities like the Canadian universities, University of Toronto, McGill University(that is if I can actually gain entry), Guelph University after those two, and other universities in America like Cornell University(once again, almost sounds impossible). Probably end up applying for at least 10 universities, haha. Wow! I rant a lot, eh? At least you guys have a post to read now. =P

So yeah, makes me feel like I'm really getting older now. It's sad. Plus, sooner or later, every one of us will be at separate parts of the world. Sad, but yeah, inevitable.

When there is a will, there is a way.

I know that. But I have no will right now. :D

So there's no way I can put up a blog post tonight. Lol.

Sorry, guys. Tomorrow. =P

I've been slacking off a lot lately, in terms of both blogging and my studies. xD I wasn't as enthusiastic to post lately, don't know why. Sigh. It's sad. T_T Plus, probably because of my own slacking off that people started to run away from this frozen wasteland. xD And now, my studies, lol, I've definitely loosen down a lot. I used to be so nervous and cautious about all of my subjects. But lately, it's not as eager as before anymore.

Anyways, I thought I should update something about my CPU[Canadian Pre-U] life. So, what are the pros and cons of CPU? I guess I'll talk a little about it, seeing as most of my readers are not knowledgeable about it. =P

Pros:
1. Seriously similar to a uni life.
Okay. So, I know, how can I know it's similar to a uni life without even getting into a uni? At least, I thought I learned about uni life through TV shows, I guess. And to me, CPU is really the closest one to uni, in terms of lifestyle and classes and the systems. For one, classes are categorized by subjects. Like, I go to this class for Bio, and that class for English. And my classmates for both classes are different, since everyone took all sorts of different subjects for their semester.

2. A mix of races.
I would have to admit, before getting into college, I thought it was so hard for me to join people of different races. No, not because I'm racist, just, I wasn't exposed to such a lifestyle yet, ever. But after I got into CPU, I thought to myself, "Oh my God. So I'm supposed to be able to get close with them?!" in a timid way. I thought I couldn't clique with them. But surprisingly, right now, I can. I'm really surprised, cause the first time I tried talking to them, I couldn't! My lips were shut tight, I was scared, and lol, all I could do was listen. Culture shock much? Lol. And even most of the teachers are Canadians! At first I'm afraid I would be seen to be one of the lousier students, but right now, I'm getting the hang of things. :]

3. Much more free time.
Seriously. At first, everyone thought CPU would be the busiest, with all the assignments. [Since scoring system in CPU takes up 70% in assignments, and 30% for our final exams.] But it is a whole lot different. At least, by comparing it to my friends from SAM. =P Chua and Hng seem to be complaining about homework and tests everytime. xD [Don't know about Sherene. Lol.] And, as I've said before, my classes are only like...altogether 3 hours and 45 minutes everyday. And I get a 2 hours and a half breaktime in school. I start classes at 8 and end at 2.15. If I don't have to wait for Sherene and Chua everyday, I'd reach home before 3. And then I'm free for the day. Yeah, much more free time. [But why did you say your college life is hectic?! Me: LALALA~~]

4. Gained confidence, and a more interactive environment.
I've gained lots of confidence, really, in CPU. Before I got into CPU, I'm one hell of a coward. Lol. Even though my friends still see differently about that. -.-;; Ask my parents, [and maybe even Junneh] and they'll say I'm shy. =P However, in CPU, I start to learn to be much more outspoken. At least, right now, I guess I can just start conversation with people who I don't know already. But sometimes, there are moments when I still fail. xD;; But I can say, I now have quite a number of friends who are not having any same classes with me at all. We just know each other through some club activities, friend's friends [Sareena from Hng, Sin Thoong from Kai, etc. xD], and I'm grateful to CPU for that. =P

5. There are more, but now I can't come up with any. xD

Cons:
1. Probably the biggest con in CPU: Lack of acknowledgement from universities.
Though, I'm pretty sure CPU people will try to deny this. xD But it's still true. Compared to A Levels and SAM, there are still a lot of universities who don't acknowledge CPU results. It's a huge reason as to why CPU is still not yet as well-known as the other two programmes, I think.

2. Less competition academically.
Well, yeah. A Levels and SAM test papers are probably more...how do you put it...standard? Their papers are the same for everyone. I don't know about A Levels, but SAM, their test papers are the same as those in Australia. So that's probably why their certificates are more acknowledged than CPU.

3. Doesn't really work well for people who don't have a good grasp of English.
This is my personal opinion. I think people who take CPU should at least have a better basic of English. Although we'll still learn a lot in English in CPU, still, I personally think the level of English in CPU is high. I won't try to compare it with any programmes, in case I offended anyone, lol, but I'm just stating CPU itself. Since most of the teachers in CPU are foreigners, I guess English is usually the only way to communicate here in CPU.

4. Hard to get a closest group of friends.
This applies to me. I'm not sure about everyone else, but yeah, it is to me. CPU people are more...outgoing. They join in anyone they know, even if they just know each other a day or ten years. That's how CPU people are like. And I'm not someone like that, at least, I am always not someone like that since I was young. I don't know if I will change. So, I tend to be alone if not with Chua and Sherene and Hng. xD;; Maybe I do join Michelle and Alyssa too sometimes, after school, but their breaktimes are different than mine. Sad.

That's basically it. Sigh. I'll update some other time. Have to rush my English assignment which I've been delaying. o.o;;

Hmm... Well, if you happen to come to my blog just so you could find something to laugh, ha! You ought to leave. =P There's going to be nothing in this post for you to laugh. Besides, this post is just dedicated to her, in which I'm not sure if she knows who she is. But ah well.

To tell you the truth, when I read about the stuffs you wrote, I was deeply hurt. Proofs? Well, I thought the previous few posts are living proof. [Though they aren't living things...] I went moodless for the whole day. At first, I thought I was one of those who was heartless, those who won't feel even a tiny single bit of sadness even when things like these happened. [Since these things always happen to me.] But ah, am I surprised that those stuffs had greatly affected me. For the whole day, even until the time I laid down on my bed and tried to sleep, my heart still felt heavy. I was still sad, hurt by those words.

I'll just be honest and say, you're probably the only person in the world who is able to make me feel like that.

I do admit that at times I can be insensitive to others. But truly, lately things are not very smooth for me. Many unfortunate things is happening to me now, or at least, not to me, but to the people around me, especially my family, my mother. I felt like she has no one else to depend on right now, so she came to me. And as her daughter, I felt like I take up this responsibility to be there for her, even though I don't want to at times. But really, being there for her is harder than it sounds. Every single pressure she had felt, I'd say, almost 70% of them were transferred to me. I feel sad for her, I feel like I have to do things for her, to lighten up her mood. And all these things not only hurt her, they are slowly affecting her health. As a daughter, I don't want to see my mother suffer like that on her own.

Not only that, college is fun, I have to admit. But not everything is. You might get into facebook and prove me wrong, but really, it's very very very hard to get friends. You might think that I'm doing just fine, by looking into my facebook profile. But I'm not. They are friends, but just friends. So far, I have two closer friends, but that's all they can be. Nothing more closer than that. Why? Because I can find no time to hang out with them. Their breaktimes are the same, but different from mine. So I can't join them. I feel left out sometimes when they hang out after school, but I can't. And that feeling was heavy, and hurtful.

So, the only time I can be myself is when I am in my room. Trust me, privacy is my best friend. I love being alone in my room. Somehow, I feel free, I don't feel the restriction around me that I felt in the outside world. I don't have to be a good daughter in my room, I don't have to be a good friend in my room, I don't have to be a good student in my room, but just myself. Hence, that would probably explain why I prefer being alone than going out with friends. I'm sorry if you hated it, but it's just me.

But, as much as I love being in my room, I was hurt so much more than I thought that day, was probably because I read about what you wrote in my very own room. My room was my sanctuary, the only place I felt like myself. But to have to read something so hurtful in my sanctuary, it felt bad. Really bad. I'm not trying to blame you or pity myself, but I just hope you know how I felt. And well, I trust that you can hear this from the other people as well, but really, after classes in college, when I got back home, time passed really fast. It was as if, one minute later it's already 10pm! It's not that I'm getting busy, I admit, but having to attend college everday is tiring. So, whenever I came back home or have weekends, I tend to try to stay at home, just so I can get my rests.

However, that's not the main reason why I rejected your invite before. [Ha. With that one sentence, you'd probably guess who you are now.] Only reason why I rejected was because I wanted to avoid someone there. And well, as to why I'm doing that is a long story.

So, erm... I just want to say, I'm sorry for not being able to be there with you. I admit I had ignored you, but deep down, you still have a place in my heart. You might say that I got hurt that day was because I thought you would understand, understand what sort of a person I am. I don't really like to show my feelings throughout. I tend to think that people around me can understand my feelings towards them, without any actions to show them. So, I thought the same applies to you. But yeah, I was hurt because I was disappointed, I suppose. I was sad that you didn't understand. Because out of all the people in the world, I thought you would understand the best. And maybe that's why I crumbled when I knew you didn't get my feelings. But judging by my character, don't worry, I won't be distant from you just because we lost contact for a long time. Really. I trust that closer friends don't need time to let them know how close they are.

That night, I was actually going to write something to you. But I didn't. I can't, I took a pen and a paper and nothing came out. Then, my mood got worse. I felt angry that I couldn't even express myself to you. I felt that I failed, not only as a friend, but as a person for myself. The day after, we met. I was supposed to pass to you the stuffs I've wrote, but since I wrote nothing, I can't. That day, you might have thought that I did not read your post already. But I did. And I tried. So hard. I tried to act as if things were just normal between you and I. And I sincerely believed that. But... The fact that you're hiding it too was just too painful for me. I couldn't stand it.

Since that day, I've always been confused as to what I should do. Surely, I couldn't leave a friendship just like that? So please, if you managed to read this and know that it's for you, let us just leave this matter behind us, shall we? =] I was actually trying to ignore everything and just treat everything just the same, together with you. But I can't. I felt I had to say something. And I did. I hope you'll understand everything from now on.

Please, know that I would never try to ignore you, nor avoid you. But also, please understand that I have my troubles in life too. :]

There. It's the past now.

I've chosen the wrong day to be moodless.

With that said, goodbye, big brother. :] Have a safe trip back to Auckland!

And then there's the moodless-ness again.

Sigh. Triple post of the day.

Yeah well, it's a double post today, partially is because I can't get my mind off stuffs, and it's been making me moodless for the first half of the day. A couple of stupid things happened in my family again, and well, lets just say life isn't as bright and happy these days as people would have thought when they see me.

It's kind of frustrating to know that you have things you would like to do, but you don't have the mood to do it because of some stupid things in your life. But I'm pretty sure only a few people would understand what I mean by stupid things right now. I'm not really sure if I should voice it out, but thinking about it, I have no one to talk to about these stuffs either. It's not really anything bad if you ask me, I mean, about having no one to talk about these stuffs, but they are just stuffed within me, and made me waste my lovely Saturday like this that it's maddening. Only thing I feel like doing right now is to sleep. But meh, if I did, there goes my lovely Saturday.

And it's funny though. I have this strong urge to list out the stupid things that were angering me these days, but I don't want to. I guess, it's because I don't want to point out anyone to blame, because I sincerely believe that for these problems to appear is not of anyone's fault, but the only one to blame was the word 'misunderstanding'. But either way, even if we try to clear the word away from our life, it would probably require some arguments, which might not always end up a happy ending for everyone. And to prevent that, I guess, the best is still to stuff everything back, hoping that these heavy feelings would leave as soon as possible.

But it is also at times like these that I would remind myself of what I would usually do to kick my mind off these things. I would play some computer games, but nah, kinda bored of them right now. I guess I would go to my PS2, cause that is like the only thing I trust in this world right now, but nah, even my PS2 can't lift my spirits up. And so, I would come up with something people would have thought to be funny. Somehow, I think the best companion I ever had was my own Luschka. He's a great listener. It's like he knows when you're having some moody issues. He would sit down beside you and lay down beside you, quietly listening to you as you pour your heart out. Maybe it's for that reason that I will always love him, despite all the times he disobeyed me and ran off. Maybe that's why everytime when he runs off, I would feel worried and sad that he wouldn't return. But every single time he ran off, he returned. And that's when I would sigh with relief, deep in my heart.

But anyways, let's leave the sad topic for now. :] I must say, I've been returning to my roleplaying life and it's been keeping me nailed on my chair for a few hours. Though I'm nt as active as before, but I've definitely started some fun roleplays that I hope would last long enough for my own entertainment. Other than the positive stuffs, I've also stumbled upon one exceptionally annoying person, but blah. And well... Other than roleplaying, I've been keeping myself busy with Photoshopping. xD Been Photoshopping for almost 3 hours last night, working on only one picture. The end product wasn't at all that satisfy, but I guess it's enough. It's the first time that I've been doing on a style like that, so I guess I did alright. Here it is:

A Flandre signature. xD Look properly and you'll see a third image there. xD

And this is also something I've done for the first half of my day today. It's not as satisfy as anything, probably because of the lack of mood, but I thought it wasn't at all that bad.

Flandre and her sister, Remilia. x3 Awww, the Scarlet sisters. [Yes, they are vampires, muahaha!]

But well, with MagBook here to accompany me, I guess my mood has been improving a little by a little. I still have to come up with something to cheer myself up for the day. No idea what, but heh. I'll definitely come up with something. xD Anyways, thanks, for anyone who has been reading this post. :] Your support really does encourage me sometimes in life, but yeah, enough of the chessy stuffs and teenage angst. xD

See ya!

Yes, I am tired. For many reasons. I feel like I have an obligation to everyone in the world. And I feel like without obliging to them, I fail. And when I fail, people doubt me, blame me, etc. And then when they need me again, they come back. And when I fail them, they leave and continue to doubt and blame me.



That is the world I'm living.



I have to be perfect everywhere in the world, careful with my every move not to offend anyone. I have to be careful in showing that I love everyone, that I care for everyone. I have to be careful to not go over my limits. I have to be careful to make sure that I can be happy myself. But it just seems that the more careful I am, the more I fail.



Why? Then should I not be careful?



If I am not careful, I offend people. If I am not careful, I was said to ignore people. If I am not careful, I was said to be overdoing things. If I am not careful, I was said to be a selfish girl.



So can I not be careful?



I don't know anymore. No one cares how much effort I put. Not one even try to see. They think that every smile and laughter on my face are genuine. But they are not. They are just there because of the need to oblige people. They are just there so I could hide the feelings deep down. They are just there so that people will not see the worse side of me.



And I hate having to be so stiff everytime. I feel tired when I'm with people. I feel tired that I have to be perfect in everything. I feel tired that people expected so much out of me.



I just want to be alone.



That is all.



So just, let me rest, okay?! I cannot have a thousand brains to oblige a thousand people! I trusted you all, but you all failed me. I tried to tell myself to ignore those feelings deep down within me, and continue to smile even though I'm doing something I don't like, just so you people can feel happy about it! I tried so hard! I really did! And just, look, you damned people!!



Or if you don't want to see, just get the hell out of my sight for now.



I don't want to feel oblige anymore. I don't want to be responsible anymore.



I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF, OKAY?!

Everything's different , xoxo





I'm just a girl who's random and lives with it. I enjoy HTML so I change my blog skins a lot. I also type a lot so you might find yourself a new pair/another new pair of glasses if you read my blog too much. :D More ?








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August 4th, 2010

It was already night time before we knew it. Since Luz left to Malacca a week ago, we practically have to suffer from the lack of good food. I know food has always been one of the priorities in your life, so you had suffered quite a lot without Luz's awesome stuffs. However, that night, mum whipped up a whole lot of food for us. I am sorry that I didn't see your car when I finished my flute lesson, and ended up leaving the place with San Yi. But you hardheadedly told me to come back home and have dinner with you, because you can't finish all of them on your own. I got angry at your attitude and hung up on your phone. But in the end, I couldn't take it, and decided to call San Yi to let her know the change of plans. I returned home, and I'm glad I did.

We had dinner together. You, as usual, took more than what you're able to finish, and ended up wasting some of them. As we ate, we were also watching Tarzan on Disney Channel. We were singing along the show at some parts sarcastically, and you were telling me about how this show was also aired in the bus during your school trip during your high school years. You said that no one was watching, and the show was even aired twice.

Just when the good part of the show started showing, mum returned home. She wanted her Astro card back, but that way, we couldn't finish the show. The both of us begged her to sit down and watch with us. She did, but only for a few minutes. Because in the end, we decided that since she just returned from a long day of work, she deserved to have her time doing things she wanted to do. Before I left upstairs to my room, mum nagged about your remaining food and said that you always never finished your food. But even so, you grinned and only laughed along. Even though she was intending to scold you, you ended up making it all looked like a joke, and even managed to put smiles on her face and mine in the end.

August 5th, 2010

From before and during Chemistry class, I received lots of text messages about the plan for the afternoon. Mum was planning to leave to Malacca that day to visit grandma. Grandma had been depressed all week about her operation, so she decided to go stay by her side for the day. The initial plan was that I was supposed to follow her to Malacca, but in the end, she ended up deciding that I was to follow your car back home.

You sent me a text message, saying "I pick u, same place like last fri". When it was 2.15pm, I sent you a message, asking if you've arrived. You replied a simple "Yes" because I know you've been lazing around in your car again. I took the elevator and got to the ground floor, and entered your car. Before you started driving, you warned me ahead that we were going to have a long ride because you needed to do a lot of things. I grumbled, but I shrugged in the end. I was more worried about mum because if she had to leave on such a late notice to Malacca, it must have meant something went wrong. You said you didn't know why, but you were able to say that because you didn't know what mum was going through at this point of her life. I was the only one who knew in the whole house, because mum didn't want you and dad to get worried over this. I stopped the conversation there, and looked out of the window.

Our next conversations were about random things in our life. Do you remember how we always talked together? I would always say those sarcastic things, and you would stare at me with small eyes as you received my note of sarcasm and laughed loudly too sometimes. You always make me feel like I am a funny person, you always make me feel like I can do something to make people happy. But truth is, you're always the one doing that.

Then, we took a lot of time turning around the shops nearby. You said you wanted to bring me to Windmill for lunch. It was an expensive place to dine, but you said you're already a working man. In the end, when we found it, you changed your mind to an Italian restaurant beside Windmill. I shrugged and said it was all your choice. You shrugged too, but led the way to the Italian restaurant.

When we were ordering, we took a long, long time to decide. You kept saying things like "There! That's the risotto you and mum like so much." and "Oh man! There's so many different kinds of pasta that it makes the menu look so scary." In the end, you decided to just order some chicken dish, but I stopped you. I told you that since we're in an Italian restaurant, we should order things like risotto, pasta, lasagna or pizza. You hesitated and decided on lasagna in the end. You even asked if we should order a pizza too but I refused. I said it was all too much.

But maybe, I shouldn't have stopped you. I knew you always loved meat so much. If I knew it was your last lunch, I would have let you order anything you want, from one dish to a thousand dish, and I would stay there and finish them up with you. I am sorry that you weren't able to have your favorite meat dish on that last day. But when the lasagna came, you said it was delicious. I knew it wouldn't be enough for you, so I told you to take some of my risotto. You kept on saying alright, that you will take some later, but I ended up finishing them by myself. Maybe I should have ate slower so that you could taste more delicious things on your last lunch.

After that lunch, we left again. We continued on with your errands, including fetching grandpa from Klang town, going to bank to help one of your workers bank in his cheque for his family in Vietnam, and many more. You told me stories along the way, sad stories about your workers in the factory. You also told me stories about some of your friends. You also told me you wanted to try playing Persona 4 and Final Fantasy X. You also said to me you wanted to get a PS3 soon. I told you it would be expensive, but you said you would get all the games from ebay.

When we were finally at home, you immediately headed over to the couch. I told you to help me go out and get the bicycles we ordered from Setia Eco Park today. You were reluctant cause you were lazy, but in the end, you stood up and did that for me, when I told you it was dangerous for me, one young girl to go out and meet with 4 other guys to take the bicycles from them. You were always so careful of me, so caring. You always told the other people that you love me, and I would always say that you're only saying that to get people to have a good impression of you. But deep down, I know you do. I know...

As we pushed the bicycles together inside to our garden, you asked if I wanted to ride now. I said that it's been a long time since I last rode on a bicycle, I might have forgotten how to. But you said that you're even worse, that you couldn't even ride a bicycle. I laughed and told you not to worry, that I will teach you how to ride one now that we have a bicycle.

With that, you went back in the house and lied down on the couch again, playing around with your iPhone. I told you to get back to work soon, but you complained that you were too tired. I sighed and told you to quickly get a rest and leave immediately, because dad needed you at work. With that one message, I left upstairs to my room. If only I had stayed downstairs with you and played Fatal Frame like how I was urging to, maybe we would still be able to have some good laughs that afternoon.

I spent my whole night in my room. Around 8, dad came back home and asked me if I had dinner. I told him I did, and that he should just go for dinner with you. I told him I had homework, but the truth was, I didn't have any. Maybe I should have just gone with you guys. Around 11, you came knocking on my door and opened it before I said you could, as usual. You asked me if I had dinner, and I told you that it was too late to ask me that, in a jokingly manner. You smiled and I smiled. Then you closed the door, without another word.

That was my final memory of you.

I am pretty sure that I was the last person you've seen before you head to your room that night. If only I had said more, then maybe you'll have sweeter memories before you leave this world. I am sorry. That night, one night before you left, I felt as if God had given me some clues as to what will happen. That night, after my dinner, I went to the garden to feed Luschka. My back was facing your room, so I thought I had imagined it. But I was pretty sure that I saw your room light on and off very quickly. The only people at home were Angie and myself. Angie was at the kitchen, busy cleaning up the dishes. I thought it was all my imagination, but maybe God had given me that hint to warn me. But I didn't realise it. If only I did not decide to take on that risk, maybe you would still be barging into my room now.

Last week, when you barged into my room again, I didn't know why but the thought of watching some funny Fatal Frame videos in youtube struck my mind. We watched a lot of them for the whole week. We laughed, and sometimes we were scared too. But at least when we watched them together, it would be funnier, and less scarier. If I was glad about one thing I did for you, Ian, it was that I decided to watch all of those videos with you in youtube. Every single one of them. But if only we get to play Fatal Frame together in my PS2, maybe everything will be better.

But I know now that all these 'maybe's cannot be helped. You've left. It was a solid fact. But don't worry. In our hearts, you will always be remembered and loved. You will always be the loving brother and son to us. I am sorry that I couldn't give you more. But at least, I would always talk to you every night so that you won't be lonely. If you missed us, you can always come back home in your butterfly form. We would always switch on all the lights because we all know you're afraid of the dark. We would always switch on all the air-conditioners because we all know how you hate sweating. You can always visit us in our dreams. A dream with you in it would be the best dream for us all.

Now that you've left first to the next world, remember what I asked you to do. Go back to grandpa's [father's father] side, and be a good grandson to him. Grandpa left us all very early. And even though I had no clear memories of him, I knew he loved us all. I could still remember that day of his funeral. You were crying the loudest. He must have loved you a lot. So now's your chance to go back to him and be a good grandson to him. Take care of him for us for now. We will come soon and our whole family will reunite again some day. Also, say hello to Da Ku Zhang for me. Mum always tells me how much he loves me and wants me to be his daughter. I was unable to love him more because I was still so young and immature. But please go back to the two of them now. You won't be lonely. You have so many people over there in that world. Also, don't forget that you have your Monash teacher over there too. You told me he passed away not long ago from Heart Attack and that you used to respect him so much. See? You have so many people to visit over there. And even if you happen to get the chance to come over to our world for a short visit, I doubt you'll have enough time to look for us all. You have so many people who loves you, so stay strong over at that side. Next time when we got there, you better be there to take care of us then, and be our tour guide when we need it.

There is no need for me to say goodbye to you. There is only one thing I can say:

See you later, my dear brother.
Trust me, I'm still here. xD;;

But lately I've been spending too much time on Photoshop that I forgot I had so many interesting things to blog about.

Like my Computer Science course. It's awesome. It's... THE BOMB.

Yes, I love it. And thus, will write more about it tomorrow.

Sleeping time is now. So...

*faints*
I find it amusing that it actually takes 2 years to have my blog reach its 100th post. Back then when I was in Form 4, I updated my blog almost every single day, only to have my few awesome friends enjoy reading them as much as I do writing them. :] But as the days passed, I found that there are lesser things to share/recall in my blog, and thus my blogging streak somehow ended. It was a sad thing, really. In all honesty, blogging has been an awesome experience in my life. I have already more than 5 blogs, and none of them were a success. There was almost no hit, not to mention that the stuffs I wrote in all those blogs were nonsense. But this time popped out one day like how the rest did, but it was different. It had readers. And it had managed to put smiles and laughter on my readers' faces. :] I even managed to make a new friend out of this blog! [Cheery~ ;D] Maybe because this blog was just too awesome that I feel reluctant to start a new blog right now. Yes, I usually start a new blog whenever I feel like going back to blogging after a long hiatus. A new blog allows me to have a new and fresh start. It always makes me feel refreshing and more enthusiastic to return for more posts. :] But no, I am not going to give this blog up.

Having said that, I'm pretty glad to announce that this blog[hopefully] is finally back to life again! I know there won't be as many readers as before anymore, and I know that most readers right now would be new faces. But lets make this blog a fun blog to read again, alright? :D

Okay, so on to real blogging. Went to SPCA today. Well, before I was deciding to choose SPCA as our group's Moral Project destination, I had good impressions of the place. However, right after when everything was set and ready to go, I started hearing awful stuffs about this place. Really kills the mood, and makes me feel as if it's my fault that everyone might have to go through that because of me.

In the end when we're there, well, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The place is pretty alright. At least it's not too packed [but it might be too squeezy for the dogs =(] and we have spaces to move about. But it's pretty sad that we weren't really given much attention. We weren't provided with guidance, or at least even a litte tour around SPCA. Instead, when we first asked someone for a work to do, we were brought to the Charity Shop to clean up. Well, alright then! So we buckled up and started arranging everything in there, especially folding the clothes donated by all sorts of people.

Halfway through tidying up the clothes, we started talking about how people are sometimes very selfish. Even if they were all donated stuffs, it was pretty obvious that people only donated them because they couldn't use it anymore. Some of them were torn, some of them were stained pretty badly, and all that. It was a pretty sad thing, especially if you consider that SPCA is a pretty rundown place. One sad fact is that, if this SPCA were to be in some other countries, it would probably be more well-equipped, and the donated stuffs would be in better conditions. It feels as if the Charity Shop is the Junkyard.

However, when we're done with tidying, we went back to the kennels and spent more than an hour standing there, doing nothing. No one cared about our presence, except of course, the dogs. Around 12.30 to 1pm, finally someone asked for us to do something. A volunteer approached us and asked if we're here for voluntary work. I said yes and guess what? We were pretty much scolded. She said we were there doing nothing, except for standing around looking everywhere blankly. Well, that was pretty offending. But anyways, she gave us a job, calling Jinq Yee and Er Whey and myself to clean some of the puppies' kennel, change the newspaper that was stained with their faeces and urination. Halfway after we did that, another woman came by and yelled at us.

Wow.

So we tried to defend ourselves by saying that it was someone else who called us to do it, and that woman said, "Oh, it's that volunteer again! She always asks other people to do that! You can't do that! Gosh!" Etc. So, we were once again left with nothing to do. But then the woman asked us to refill all of the puppies' water supply, and after we did that, she said we were to wait for the puppies to finish their food and clean their bowls.

Great. The puppies were all sleeping.

So we asked for anything else to do that, and she shook her head.

More waiting. Great.

But it was already 1.45pm and we couldn't stand waiting there for someone to yell an order at us, only to have another person come by and yell at us for carrying out that order. So we left. As bad as it may seem, we did. But at least, a couple of dogs were being adopted in front of our eyes. So it was all pretty worth it if you ask me. At least we managed to come and meet some awesomes dogs.

Blargh. My post must be boring. So sorry. -___- It's been so long since I last blogged, so yeah. Lets hope I'll still return tomorrow.
Yes, apparently, due to high demands (or should I say persistent demands? xD), I decided to return here for this night to put up a post for people who actually still comes back here. o.O Actually, I don't even come back here anymore, so I'm pretty surprised when I saw new messages in the chatbox. xD You people are too loyal, it makes me cry. :'D

Anyways, before I even knew it, I'm already at the third week of my second semester in CPU. Probably used to the life by now, but it's pretty sad to lose the few familiar faces we used to see so much during our previous semester. Miss all those good ol' seniors. :'( But now that we're on the second semester (third for some), we're seniors! And juniors came rushing into CPU now and it's up to us to make them feel like home! That was what I told myself before, but I guess people probably don't need me to be there for them huh? xD They are already standing pretty well on their own two feet. So I'll just be at the corner...rusting...I guess.

No, it's not that depressing actually. Heck, I don't even know what I was typing. If you do understand my post until this part, do let me know. Haha. I don't understand what I'm ranting at all. Long hiatuses on blogging does stuffs to your blogging section of your brain.

Alright, back to ranting about my life. So, second semester is here, which means... I'll be graduating from CPU by the end of this year. What does that mean? Simple. Applying to as many universities as possible and as soon as possible. *sigh* I knew from before that this would happen, but since CPU isn't really as widely accepted as A-Levels or SAM, we'd have quite some problem when we're applying to universities outside of Canada. But it's still awesome to know that Canada still has our backs. :3

My first choice from before was always University of Melbourne. They have quite a reputation, plus the entry requirements weren't too high. But of course, things wouldn't be all that perfect. Melbourne, as we all know, has freakingly high living expenses. Plus, even if I were to enter Uni of Melbourne, I can't guarantee that I'll be able to get into Veterinary Medicine because after first three years of basic studies, only 120 people are chosen to enter the Doctor of Veterinary Medicine course. So yeah. I wouldn't want to enter and waste my three years only to know that I can't do Veterinary, but Biotechnology or some other Science subjects.

So, I had to have another choice. Murdoch University then came into mind. Murdoch U is a university in Perth, and apparently, has the best Veterinary course in the whole Australia. Plus, Perth has practically lower living expenses than Melbourne, and the tuition fees are cheap! Seriously. I doubted them at first though, but wow, when I flipped open the booklet on entry requirements, I was shocked. In fact, I was somewhat discouraged by that. (Explains why I was emo yesterday.) They actually allow students with average of 65 to enter for all the courses, but only Veterinary courses have to have at least 97 for SAM to enter. And for CPU students? Case by case basis. God. I feel discouraged, really. Makes me really sad cause I was really hoping that Murdoch U might accept me so that I can at least live my next 5 years in some countryside. =(

Third choice? Massey University in New Zealand. New Zealand has always been the country I wanted to do my tertiary education at. Probably because of the influence by my brother, and that I just love the fact that there's no overcrowded super huge cities there. Peaceful life. :] But was once again struck with disappointment when I saw that for international students, we have to take 5 tests in New Zealand to see if we qualify to enter. I mean, we fly all the way to New Zealand, and if we fail the tests, not only do we have to waste that airplane ticket to and fro, but we even lost a golden chance to study at Massey U? No way am I betting my future over there.

Next choice came up by the last minute, and is probably the reason why I was able to wipe off my emo-ness yesterday. (Of course, along with the awesome encouragement by my awesome friends. :3) Ireland suddenly came to mind when I was talking about studying in UK with my online friend. I said to myself before that if I were to go UK for my studies, the only place I'm going would be Ireland. So, I was pretty nervous when I was checking out all the universities in Ireland for Veterinary courses. At first, I was completely in despair as I had to cancel off one university by one university. Finally, I could no longer take the pain. I went to google, and straight off, I typed 'List of Veterinary universities in Ireland'. Miraculously, one poofed out! And guess what?! University College Dublin is the exact same university my cousin is studying at right now! I'm so relieved when I saw that, and at the entry requirements page, they even stated that Canadian diploma is considered for entry. YAY!

Of course, those were my top 4 choices of universities for now. But I'm still going to apply for universities like the Canadian universities, University of Toronto, McGill University(that is if I can actually gain entry), Guelph University after those two, and other universities in America like Cornell University(once again, almost sounds impossible). Probably end up applying for at least 10 universities, haha. Wow! I rant a lot, eh? At least you guys have a post to read now. =P

So yeah, makes me feel like I'm really getting older now. It's sad. Plus, sooner or later, every one of us will be at separate parts of the world. Sad, but yeah, inevitable.
When there is a will, there is a way.

I know that. But I have no will right now. :D

So there's no way I can put up a blog post tonight. Lol.

Sorry, guys. Tomorrow. =P
I've been slacking off a lot lately, in terms of both blogging and my studies. xD I wasn't as enthusiastic to post lately, don't know why. Sigh. It's sad. T_T Plus, probably because of my own slacking off that people started to run away from this frozen wasteland. xD And now, my studies, lol, I've definitely loosen down a lot. I used to be so nervous and cautious about all of my subjects. But lately, it's not as eager as before anymore.

Anyways, I thought I should update something about my CPU[Canadian Pre-U] life. So, what are the pros and cons of CPU? I guess I'll talk a little about it, seeing as most of my readers are not knowledgeable about it. =P

Pros:
1. Seriously similar to a uni life.
Okay. So, I know, how can I know it's similar to a uni life without even getting into a uni? At least, I thought I learned about uni life through TV shows, I guess. And to me, CPU is really the closest one to uni, in terms of lifestyle and classes and the systems. For one, classes are categorized by subjects. Like, I go to this class for Bio, and that class for English. And my classmates for both classes are different, since everyone took all sorts of different subjects for their semester.

2. A mix of races.
I would have to admit, before getting into college, I thought it was so hard for me to join people of different races. No, not because I'm racist, just, I wasn't exposed to such a lifestyle yet, ever. But after I got into CPU, I thought to myself, "Oh my God. So I'm supposed to be able to get close with them?!" in a timid way. I thought I couldn't clique with them. But surprisingly, right now, I can. I'm really surprised, cause the first time I tried talking to them, I couldn't! My lips were shut tight, I was scared, and lol, all I could do was listen. Culture shock much? Lol. And even most of the teachers are Canadians! At first I'm afraid I would be seen to be one of the lousier students, but right now, I'm getting the hang of things. :]

3. Much more free time.
Seriously. At first, everyone thought CPU would be the busiest, with all the assignments. [Since scoring system in CPU takes up 70% in assignments, and 30% for our final exams.] But it is a whole lot different. At least, by comparing it to my friends from SAM. =P Chua and Hng seem to be complaining about homework and tests everytime. xD [Don't know about Sherene. Lol.] And, as I've said before, my classes are only like...altogether 3 hours and 45 minutes everyday. And I get a 2 hours and a half breaktime in school. I start classes at 8 and end at 2.15. If I don't have to wait for Sherene and Chua everyday, I'd reach home before 3. And then I'm free for the day. Yeah, much more free time. [But why did you say your college life is hectic?! Me: LALALA~~]

4. Gained confidence, and a more interactive environment.
I've gained lots of confidence, really, in CPU. Before I got into CPU, I'm one hell of a coward. Lol. Even though my friends still see differently about that. -.-;; Ask my parents, [and maybe even Junneh] and they'll say I'm shy. =P However, in CPU, I start to learn to be much more outspoken. At least, right now, I guess I can just start conversation with people who I don't know already. But sometimes, there are moments when I still fail. xD;; But I can say, I now have quite a number of friends who are not having any same classes with me at all. We just know each other through some club activities, friend's friends [Sareena from Hng, Sin Thoong from Kai, etc. xD], and I'm grateful to CPU for that. =P

5. There are more, but now I can't come up with any. xD

Cons:
1. Probably the biggest con in CPU: Lack of acknowledgement from universities.
Though, I'm pretty sure CPU people will try to deny this. xD But it's still true. Compared to A Levels and SAM, there are still a lot of universities who don't acknowledge CPU results. It's a huge reason as to why CPU is still not yet as well-known as the other two programmes, I think.

2. Less competition academically.
Well, yeah. A Levels and SAM test papers are probably more...how do you put it...standard? Their papers are the same for everyone. I don't know about A Levels, but SAM, their test papers are the same as those in Australia. So that's probably why their certificates are more acknowledged than CPU.

3. Doesn't really work well for people who don't have a good grasp of English.
This is my personal opinion. I think people who take CPU should at least have a better basic of English. Although we'll still learn a lot in English in CPU, still, I personally think the level of English in CPU is high. I won't try to compare it with any programmes, in case I offended anyone, lol, but I'm just stating CPU itself. Since most of the teachers in CPU are foreigners, I guess English is usually the only way to communicate here in CPU.

4. Hard to get a closest group of friends.
This applies to me. I'm not sure about everyone else, but yeah, it is to me. CPU people are more...outgoing. They join in anyone they know, even if they just know each other a day or ten years. That's how CPU people are like. And I'm not someone like that, at least, I am always not someone like that since I was young. I don't know if I will change. So, I tend to be alone if not with Chua and Sherene and Hng. xD;; Maybe I do join Michelle and Alyssa too sometimes, after school, but their breaktimes are different than mine. Sad.

That's basically it. Sigh. I'll update some other time. Have to rush my English assignment which I've been delaying. o.o;;
Hmm... Well, if you happen to come to my blog just so you could find something to laugh, ha! You ought to leave. =P There's going to be nothing in this post for you to laugh. Besides, this post is just dedicated to her, in which I'm not sure if she knows who she is. But ah well.

To tell you the truth, when I read about the stuffs you wrote, I was deeply hurt. Proofs? Well, I thought the previous few posts are living proof. [Though they aren't living things...] I went moodless for the whole day. At first, I thought I was one of those who was heartless, those who won't feel even a tiny single bit of sadness even when things like these happened. [Since these things always happen to me.] But ah, am I surprised that those stuffs had greatly affected me. For the whole day, even until the time I laid down on my bed and tried to sleep, my heart still felt heavy. I was still sad, hurt by those words.

I'll just be honest and say, you're probably the only person in the world who is able to make me feel like that.

I do admit that at times I can be insensitive to others. But truly, lately things are not very smooth for me. Many unfortunate things is happening to me now, or at least, not to me, but to the people around me, especially my family, my mother. I felt like she has no one else to depend on right now, so she came to me. And as her daughter, I felt like I take up this responsibility to be there for her, even though I don't want to at times. But really, being there for her is harder than it sounds. Every single pressure she had felt, I'd say, almost 70% of them were transferred to me. I feel sad for her, I feel like I have to do things for her, to lighten up her mood. And all these things not only hurt her, they are slowly affecting her health. As a daughter, I don't want to see my mother suffer like that on her own.

Not only that, college is fun, I have to admit. But not everything is. You might get into facebook and prove me wrong, but really, it's very very very hard to get friends. You might think that I'm doing just fine, by looking into my facebook profile. But I'm not. They are friends, but just friends. So far, I have two closer friends, but that's all they can be. Nothing more closer than that. Why? Because I can find no time to hang out with them. Their breaktimes are the same, but different from mine. So I can't join them. I feel left out sometimes when they hang out after school, but I can't. And that feeling was heavy, and hurtful.

So, the only time I can be myself is when I am in my room. Trust me, privacy is my best friend. I love being alone in my room. Somehow, I feel free, I don't feel the restriction around me that I felt in the outside world. I don't have to be a good daughter in my room, I don't have to be a good friend in my room, I don't have to be a good student in my room, but just myself. Hence, that would probably explain why I prefer being alone than going out with friends. I'm sorry if you hated it, but it's just me.

But, as much as I love being in my room, I was hurt so much more than I thought that day, was probably because I read about what you wrote in my very own room. My room was my sanctuary, the only place I felt like myself. But to have to read something so hurtful in my sanctuary, it felt bad. Really bad. I'm not trying to blame you or pity myself, but I just hope you know how I felt. And well, I trust that you can hear this from the other people as well, but really, after classes in college, when I got back home, time passed really fast. It was as if, one minute later it's already 10pm! It's not that I'm getting busy, I admit, but having to attend college everday is tiring. So, whenever I came back home or have weekends, I tend to try to stay at home, just so I can get my rests.

However, that's not the main reason why I rejected your invite before. [Ha. With that one sentence, you'd probably guess who you are now.] Only reason why I rejected was because I wanted to avoid someone there. And well, as to why I'm doing that is a long story.

So, erm... I just want to say, I'm sorry for not being able to be there with you. I admit I had ignored you, but deep down, you still have a place in my heart. You might say that I got hurt that day was because I thought you would understand, understand what sort of a person I am. I don't really like to show my feelings throughout. I tend to think that people around me can understand my feelings towards them, without any actions to show them. So, I thought the same applies to you. But yeah, I was hurt because I was disappointed, I suppose. I was sad that you didn't understand. Because out of all the people in the world, I thought you would understand the best. And maybe that's why I crumbled when I knew you didn't get my feelings. But judging by my character, don't worry, I won't be distant from you just because we lost contact for a long time. Really. I trust that closer friends don't need time to let them know how close they are.

That night, I was actually going to write something to you. But I didn't. I can't, I took a pen and a paper and nothing came out. Then, my mood got worse. I felt angry that I couldn't even express myself to you. I felt that I failed, not only as a friend, but as a person for myself. The day after, we met. I was supposed to pass to you the stuffs I've wrote, but since I wrote nothing, I can't. That day, you might have thought that I did not read your post already. But I did. And I tried. So hard. I tried to act as if things were just normal between you and I. And I sincerely believed that. But... The fact that you're hiding it too was just too painful for me. I couldn't stand it.

Since that day, I've always been confused as to what I should do. Surely, I couldn't leave a friendship just like that? So please, if you managed to read this and know that it's for you, let us just leave this matter behind us, shall we? =] I was actually trying to ignore everything and just treat everything just the same, together with you. But I can't. I felt I had to say something. And I did. I hope you'll understand everything from now on.

Please, know that I would never try to ignore you, nor avoid you. But also, please understand that I have my troubles in life too. :]

There. It's the past now.
I've chosen the wrong day to be moodless.

With that said, goodbye, big brother. :] Have a safe trip back to Auckland!

And then there's the moodless-ness again.

Sigh. Triple post of the day.
Yeah well, it's a double post today, partially is because I can't get my mind off stuffs, and it's been making me moodless for the first half of the day. A couple of stupid things happened in my family again, and well, lets just say life isn't as bright and happy these days as people would have thought when they see me.

It's kind of frustrating to know that you have things you would like to do, but you don't have the mood to do it because of some stupid things in your life. But I'm pretty sure only a few people would understand what I mean by stupid things right now. I'm not really sure if I should voice it out, but thinking about it, I have no one to talk to about these stuffs either. It's not really anything bad if you ask me, I mean, about having no one to talk about these stuffs, but they are just stuffed within me, and made me waste my lovely Saturday like this that it's maddening. Only thing I feel like doing right now is to sleep. But meh, if I did, there goes my lovely Saturday.

And it's funny though. I have this strong urge to list out the stupid things that were angering me these days, but I don't want to. I guess, it's because I don't want to point out anyone to blame, because I sincerely believe that for these problems to appear is not of anyone's fault, but the only one to blame was the word 'misunderstanding'. But either way, even if we try to clear the word away from our life, it would probably require some arguments, which might not always end up a happy ending for everyone. And to prevent that, I guess, the best is still to stuff everything back, hoping that these heavy feelings would leave as soon as possible.

But it is also at times like these that I would remind myself of what I would usually do to kick my mind off these things. I would play some computer games, but nah, kinda bored of them right now. I guess I would go to my PS2, cause that is like the only thing I trust in this world right now, but nah, even my PS2 can't lift my spirits up. And so, I would come up with something people would have thought to be funny. Somehow, I think the best companion I ever had was my own Luschka. He's a great listener. It's like he knows when you're having some moody issues. He would sit down beside you and lay down beside you, quietly listening to you as you pour your heart out. Maybe it's for that reason that I will always love him, despite all the times he disobeyed me and ran off. Maybe that's why everytime when he runs off, I would feel worried and sad that he wouldn't return. But every single time he ran off, he returned. And that's when I would sigh with relief, deep in my heart.

But anyways, let's leave the sad topic for now. :] I must say, I've been returning to my roleplaying life and it's been keeping me nailed on my chair for a few hours. Though I'm nt as active as before, but I've definitely started some fun roleplays that I hope would last long enough for my own entertainment. Other than the positive stuffs, I've also stumbled upon one exceptionally annoying person, but blah. And well... Other than roleplaying, I've been keeping myself busy with Photoshopping. xD Been Photoshopping for almost 3 hours last night, working on only one picture. The end product wasn't at all that satisfy, but I guess it's enough. It's the first time that I've been doing on a style like that, so I guess I did alright. Here it is:

A Flandre signature. xD Look properly and you'll see a third image there. xD

And this is also something I've done for the first half of my day today. It's not as satisfy as anything, probably because of the lack of mood, but I thought it wasn't at all that bad.

Flandre and her sister, Remilia. x3 Awww, the Scarlet sisters. [Yes, they are vampires, muahaha!]

But well, with MagBook here to accompany me, I guess my mood has been improving a little by a little. I still have to come up with something to cheer myself up for the day. No idea what, but heh. I'll definitely come up with something. xD Anyways, thanks, for anyone who has been reading this post. :] Your support really does encourage me sometimes in life, but yeah, enough of the chessy stuffs and teenage angst. xD

See ya!

Yes, I am tired. For many reasons. I feel like I have an obligation to everyone in the world. And I feel like without obliging to them, I fail. And when I fail, people doubt me, blame me, etc. And then when they need me again, they come back. And when I fail them, they leave and continue to doubt and blame me.



That is the world I'm living.



I have to be perfect everywhere in the world, careful with my every move not to offend anyone. I have to be careful in showing that I love everyone, that I care for everyone. I have to be careful to not go over my limits. I have to be careful to make sure that I can be happy myself. But it just seems that the more careful I am, the more I fail.



Why? Then should I not be careful?



If I am not careful, I offend people. If I am not careful, I was said to ignore people. If I am not careful, I was said to be overdoing things. If I am not careful, I was said to be a selfish girl.



So can I not be careful?



I don't know anymore. No one cares how much effort I put. Not one even try to see. They think that every smile and laughter on my face are genuine. But they are not. They are just there because of the need to oblige people. They are just there so I could hide the feelings deep down. They are just there so that people will not see the worse side of me.



And I hate having to be so stiff everytime. I feel tired when I'm with people. I feel tired that I have to be perfect in everything. I feel tired that people expected so much out of me.



I just want to be alone.



That is all.



So just, let me rest, okay?! I cannot have a thousand brains to oblige a thousand people! I trusted you all, but you all failed me. I tried to tell myself to ignore those feelings deep down within me, and continue to smile even though I'm doing something I don't like, just so you people can feel happy about it! I tried so hard! I really did! And just, look, you damned people!!



Or if you don't want to see, just get the hell out of my sight for now.



I don't want to feel oblige anymore. I don't want to be responsible anymore.



I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF, OKAY?!