Sunday, August 8, 2010 @ 8:15 PM * My Last Memories with You
August 4th, 2010It was already night time before we knew it. Since Luz left to Malacca a week ago, we practically have to suffer from the lack of good food. I know food has always been one of the priorities in your life, so you had suffered quite a lot without Luz's awesome stuffs. However, that night, mum whipped up a whole lot of food for us. I am sorry that I didn't see your car when I finished my flute lesson, and ended up leaving the place with San Yi. But you hardheadedly told me to come back home and have dinner with you, because you can't finish all of them on your own. I got angry at your attitude and hung up on your phone. But in the end, I couldn't take it, and decided to call San Yi to let her know the change of plans. I returned home, and I'm glad I did.
We had dinner together. You, as usual, took more than what you're able to finish, and ended up wasting some of them. As we ate, we were also watching Tarzan on Disney Channel. We were singing along the show at some parts sarcastically, and you were telling me about how this show was also aired in the bus during your school trip during your high school years. You said that no one was watching, and the show was even aired twice.
Just when the good part of the show started showing, mum returned home. She wanted her Astro card back, but that way, we couldn't finish the show. The both of us begged her to sit down and watch with us. She did, but only for a few minutes. Because in the end, we decided that since she just returned from a long day of work, she deserved to have her time doing things she wanted to do. Before I left upstairs to my room, mum nagged about your remaining food and said that you always never finished your food. But even so, you grinned and only laughed along. Even though she was intending to scold you, you ended up making it all looked like a joke, and even managed to put smiles on her face and mine in the end.
August 5th, 2010
From before and during Chemistry class, I received lots of text messages about the plan for the afternoon. Mum was planning to leave to Malacca that day to visit grandma. Grandma had been depressed all week about her operation, so she decided to go stay by her side for the day. The initial plan was that I was supposed to follow her to Malacca, but in the end, she ended up deciding that I was to follow your car back home.
You sent me a text message, saying "I pick u, same place like last fri". When it was 2.15pm, I sent you a message, asking if you've arrived. You replied a simple "Yes" because I know you've been lazing around in your car again. I took the elevator and got to the ground floor, and entered your car. Before you started driving, you warned me ahead that we were going to have a long ride because you needed to do a lot of things. I grumbled, but I shrugged in the end. I was more worried about mum because if she had to leave on such a late notice to Malacca, it must have meant something went wrong. You said you didn't know why, but you were able to say that because you didn't know what mum was going through at this point of her life. I was the only one who knew in the whole house, because mum didn't want you and dad to get worried over this. I stopped the conversation there, and looked out of the window.
Our next conversations were about random things in our life. Do you remember how we always talked together? I would always say those sarcastic things, and you would stare at me with small eyes as you received my note of sarcasm and laughed loudly too sometimes. You always make me feel like I am a funny person, you always make me feel like I can do something to make people happy. But truth is, you're always the one doing that.
Then, we took a lot of time turning around the shops nearby. You said you wanted to bring me to Windmill for lunch. It was an expensive place to dine, but you said you're already a working man. In the end, when we found it, you changed your mind to an Italian restaurant beside Windmill. I shrugged and said it was all your choice. You shrugged too, but led the way to the Italian restaurant.
When we were ordering, we took a long, long time to decide. You kept saying things like "There! That's the risotto you and mum like so much." and "Oh man! There's so many different kinds of pasta that it makes the menu look so scary." In the end, you decided to just order some chicken dish, but I stopped you. I told you that since we're in an Italian restaurant, we should order things like risotto, pasta, lasagna or pizza. You hesitated and decided on lasagna in the end. You even asked if we should order a pizza too but I refused. I said it was all too much.
But maybe, I shouldn't have stopped you. I knew you always loved meat so much. If I knew it was your last lunch, I would have let you order anything you want, from one dish to a thousand dish, and I would stay there and finish them up with you. I am sorry that you weren't able to have your favorite meat dish on that last day. But when the lasagna came, you said it was delicious. I knew it wouldn't be enough for you, so I told you to take some of my risotto. You kept on saying alright, that you will take some later, but I ended up finishing them by myself. Maybe I should have ate slower so that you could taste more delicious things on your last lunch.
After that lunch, we left again. We continued on with your errands, including fetching grandpa from Klang town, going to bank to help one of your workers bank in his cheque for his family in Vietnam, and many more. You told me stories along the way, sad stories about your workers in the factory. You also told me stories about some of your friends. You also told me you wanted to try playing Persona 4 and Final Fantasy X. You also said to me you wanted to get a PS3 soon. I told you it would be expensive, but you said you would get all the games from ebay.
When we were finally at home, you immediately headed over to the couch. I told you to help me go out and get the bicycles we ordered from Setia Eco Park today. You were reluctant cause you were lazy, but in the end, you stood up and did that for me, when I told you it was dangerous for me, one young girl to go out and meet with 4 other guys to take the bicycles from them. You were always so careful of me, so caring. You always told the other people that you love me, and I would always say that you're only saying that to get people to have a good impression of you. But deep down, I know you do. I know...
As we pushed the bicycles together inside to our garden, you asked if I wanted to ride now. I said that it's been a long time since I last rode on a bicycle, I might have forgotten how to. But you said that you're even worse, that you couldn't even ride a bicycle. I laughed and told you not to worry, that I will teach you how to ride one now that we have a bicycle.
With that, you went back in the house and lied down on the couch again, playing around with your iPhone. I told you to get back to work soon, but you complained that you were too tired. I sighed and told you to quickly get a rest and leave immediately, because dad needed you at work. With that one message, I left upstairs to my room. If only I had stayed downstairs with you and played Fatal Frame like how I was urging to, maybe we would still be able to have some good laughs that afternoon.
I spent my whole night in my room. Around 8, dad came back home and asked me if I had dinner. I told him I did, and that he should just go for dinner with you. I told him I had homework, but the truth was, I didn't have any. Maybe I should have just gone with you guys. Around 11, you came knocking on my door and opened it before I said you could, as usual. You asked me if I had dinner, and I told you that it was too late to ask me that, in a jokingly manner. You smiled and I smiled. Then you closed the door, without another word.
That was my final memory of you.
I am pretty sure that I was the last person you've seen before you head to your room that night. If only I had said more, then maybe you'll have sweeter memories before you leave this world. I am sorry. That night, one night before you left, I felt as if God had given me some clues as to what will happen. That night, after my dinner, I went to the garden to feed Luschka. My back was facing your room, so I thought I had imagined it. But I was pretty sure that I saw your room light on and off very quickly. The only people at home were Angie and myself. Angie was at the kitchen, busy cleaning up the dishes. I thought it was all my imagination, but maybe God had given me that hint to warn me. But I didn't realise it. If only I did not decide to take on that risk, maybe you would still be barging into my room now.
Last week, when you barged into my room again, I didn't know why but the thought of watching some funny Fatal Frame videos in youtube struck my mind. We watched a lot of them for the whole week. We laughed, and sometimes we were scared too. But at least when we watched them together, it would be funnier, and less scarier. If I was glad about one thing I did for you, Ian, it was that I decided to watch all of those videos with you in youtube. Every single one of them. But if only we get to play Fatal Frame together in my PS2, maybe everything will be better.
But I know now that all these 'maybe's cannot be helped. You've left. It was a solid fact. But don't worry. In our hearts, you will always be remembered and loved. You will always be the loving brother and son to us. I am sorry that I couldn't give you more. But at least, I would always talk to you every night so that you won't be lonely. If you missed us, you can always come back home in your butterfly form. We would always switch on all the lights because we all know you're afraid of the dark. We would always switch on all the air-conditioners because we all know how you hate sweating. You can always visit us in our dreams. A dream with you in it would be the best dream for us all.
Now that you've left first to the next world, remember what I asked you to do. Go back to grandpa's [father's father] side, and be a good grandson to him. Grandpa left us all very early. And even though I had no clear memories of him, I knew he loved us all. I could still remember that day of his funeral. You were crying the loudest. He must have loved you a lot. So now's your chance to go back to him and be a good grandson to him. Take care of him for us for now. We will come soon and our whole family will reunite again some day. Also, say hello to Da Ku Zhang for me. Mum always tells me how much he loves me and wants me to be his daughter. I was unable to love him more because I was still so young and immature. But please go back to the two of them now. You won't be lonely. You have so many people over there in that world. Also, don't forget that you have your Monash teacher over there too. You told me he passed away not long ago from Heart Attack and that you used to respect him so much. See? You have so many people to visit over there. And even if you happen to get the chance to come over to our world for a short visit, I doubt you'll have enough time to look for us all. You have so many people who loves you, so stay strong over at that side. Next time when we got there, you better be there to take care of us then, and be our tour guide when we need it.
There is no need for me to say goodbye to you. There is only one thing I can say:
See you later, my dear brother.