Tuesday, March 2, 2010 @ 8:21 PM * A Post Dedicated to Her
Hmm... Well, if you happen to come to my blog just so you could find something to laugh, ha! You ought to leave. =P There's going to be nothing in this post for you to laugh. Besides, this post is just dedicated to her, in which I'm not sure if she knows who she is. But ah well.To tell you the truth, when I read about the stuffs you wrote, I was deeply hurt. Proofs? Well, I thought the previous few posts are living proof. [Though they aren't living things...] I went moodless for the whole day. At first, I thought I was one of those who was heartless, those who won't feel even a tiny single bit of sadness even when things like these happened. [Since these things always happen to me.] But ah, am I surprised that those stuffs had greatly affected me. For the whole day, even until the time I laid down on my bed and tried to sleep, my heart still felt heavy. I was still sad, hurt by those words.
I'll just be honest and say, you're probably the only person in the world who is able to make me feel like that.
I do admit that at times I can be insensitive to others. But truly, lately things are not very smooth for me. Many unfortunate things is happening to me now, or at least, not to me, but to the people around me, especially my family, my mother. I felt like she has no one else to depend on right now, so she came to me. And as her daughter, I felt like I take up this responsibility to be there for her, even though I don't want to at times. But really, being there for her is harder than it sounds. Every single pressure she had felt, I'd say, almost 70% of them were transferred to me. I feel sad for her, I feel like I have to do things for her, to lighten up her mood. And all these things not only hurt her, they are slowly affecting her health. As a daughter, I don't want to see my mother suffer like that on her own.
Not only that, college is fun, I have to admit. But not everything is. You might get into facebook and prove me wrong, but really, it's very very very hard to get friends. You might think that I'm doing just fine, by looking into my facebook profile. But I'm not. They are friends, but just friends. So far, I have two closer friends, but that's all they can be. Nothing more closer than that. Why? Because I can find no time to hang out with them. Their breaktimes are the same, but different from mine. So I can't join them. I feel left out sometimes when they hang out after school, but I can't. And that feeling was heavy, and hurtful.
So, the only time I can be myself is when I am in my room. Trust me, privacy is my best friend. I love being alone in my room. Somehow, I feel free, I don't feel the restriction around me that I felt in the outside world. I don't have to be a good daughter in my room, I don't have to be a good friend in my room, I don't have to be a good student in my room, but just myself. Hence, that would probably explain why I prefer being alone than going out with friends. I'm sorry if you hated it, but it's just me.
But, as much as I love being in my room, I was hurt so much more than I thought that day, was probably because I read about what you wrote in my very own room. My room was my sanctuary, the only place I felt like myself. But to have to read something so hurtful in my sanctuary, it felt bad. Really bad. I'm not trying to blame you or pity myself, but I just hope you know how I felt. And well, I trust that you can hear this from the other people as well, but really, after classes in college, when I got back home, time passed really fast. It was as if, one minute later it's already 10pm! It's not that I'm getting busy, I admit, but having to attend college everday is tiring. So, whenever I came back home or have weekends, I tend to try to stay at home, just so I can get my rests.
However, that's not the main reason why I rejected your invite before. [Ha. With that one sentence, you'd probably guess who you are now.] Only reason why I rejected was because I wanted to avoid someone there. And well, as to why I'm doing that is a long story.
So, erm... I just want to say, I'm sorry for not being able to be there with you. I admit I had ignored you, but deep down, you still have a place in my heart. You might say that I got hurt that day was because I thought you would understand, understand what sort of a person I am. I don't really like to show my feelings throughout. I tend to think that people around me can understand my feelings towards them, without any actions to show them. So, I thought the same applies to you. But yeah, I was hurt because I was disappointed, I suppose. I was sad that you didn't understand. Because out of all the people in the world, I thought you would understand the best. And maybe that's why I crumbled when I knew you didn't get my feelings. But judging by my character, don't worry, I won't be distant from you just because we lost contact for a long time. Really. I trust that closer friends don't need time to let them know how close they are.
That night, I was actually going to write something to you. But I didn't. I can't, I took a pen and a paper and nothing came out. Then, my mood got worse. I felt angry that I couldn't even express myself to you. I felt that I failed, not only as a friend, but as a person for myself. The day after, we met. I was supposed to pass to you the stuffs I've wrote, but since I wrote nothing, I can't. That day, you might have thought that I did not read your post already. But I did. And I tried. So hard. I tried to act as if things were just normal between you and I. And I sincerely believed that. But... The fact that you're hiding it too was just too painful for me. I couldn't stand it.
Since that day, I've always been confused as to what I should do. Surely, I couldn't leave a friendship just like that? So please, if you managed to read this and know that it's for you, let us just leave this matter behind us, shall we? =] I was actually trying to ignore everything and just treat everything just the same, together with you. But I can't. I felt I had to say something. And I did. I hope you'll understand everything from now on.
Please, know that I would never try to ignore you, nor avoid you. But also, please understand that I have my troubles in life too. :]
There. It's the past now.